Saturn Return

I didn't know about the "Saturn Return" until a friend, who also turned 29 this year, told me about it. It's described in astrology as this phenomenon that affects a person's life in 29-year intervals, the same amount of time it takes Saturn to orbit around the sun. 

How it supposedly affects a person, I'll never know. Maybe it's about having life-altering epiphanies, making huge decisions, winning the lottery, all that crap. [Okay, if winning the lottery is crap, then I want that crap!]


All I know is that I turned 29 today and I still have no idea about what I'm doing, what I should be doing, or what I even want to be doing. 


I've made so many mistakes and I know I'll make more. What can I say? I have an embarrassingly low emotional quotient. But whatever mistakes I've done in the past, god -- whether or not it exists -- knows I'm sorry and that I continue to pay the price of my actions. 


That's gotta count for something, right? What, it doesn't? Ah, well, can't do anything about that now.


I know what I'm capable of, and believe you me, I am capable of doing pretty great things, but I think I've misplaced my mojo. It's happened before. I kinda lost it when my mom died, when my sister died, when I broke off my engagement with Mark, all those not-so-nice milestones. And when I lost Colin, I lost it again. But I always, always find my mojo.


I'm not in a hurry; my time will come. Besides, my life has meaning with or without great things, although I'd very much prefer to be really awesome, hehe. 


Oh, and thank you to all those who remembered me today, my birthday/ first Saturn Return. It means more to me than you know. You guys are very much loved. This one's for you:

"Tonight, we are young, so let's set the world on fire. We can burn brighter than the sun."

Photo from here.

Clean slate

Oh lord, please, please

You think a 140-character limit on Twitter lowers the risk of your being misinterpreted? Wrong, wrong, wrong. 


Sigh.


Baby, dontcha know I'm just human?

I mean, really? You get home from work after an incredibly long and tiring day, so long and incredibly tiring that you couldn't muster even a slither of enthusiasm about anything, but yeah, you're polite enough to reply to tweets and direct messages, then out of nowhere, out of nowhere, it just happens: your brief 140-character statement magically transfigures into the last thing you want it to turn into. WTH. Srsly, what happened last night, I so did not need. Grabe, talagang dapat hindi na ako nagsasalita or nagsusulat. Mag vow of silence kaya ako? Chos! Ambisyosa ang lola mo, hehe.

Ngarag

AAAAAARRGGGHHHHHHH!

Gusto ko na matulog. *sniff*

Closure

There is comfort, however little, in knowing you've given everything. It makes your loss a bit more bearable. It makes the future less daunting.

I think it's because you need it -- this false security, this surge of hope -- for what's to come. The end is never really the end; it's always the start of something new. But before that refreshing feeling of renewal, that sense of empowerment, are moments of loneliness, of hesitation, of pain. 

And there's nothing you can do about it, because you no longer have any reason, real or fabricated, to keep trying. You've reached the end of the line, and it's time to let go. 

Someone once told me we don't lose love; we're simply given the chance to experience it. It was something I'd known all along, but refused to openly acknowledge because then I'd have given myself closure, when I didn't want things to end. When all I wanted was to keep going, keep trying, even if I was hurting myself, even if I was hurting others.

But when closure is handed to you by the one person you'd been trying to hold on to, when he says the dreaded "no" in his gentle but straightforward manner, his voice quiet but strong, everything changes. Your world stops and, for a brief moment, you forget to breathe. 

Then you exhale. Slowly. And you realize you are finally standing on solid ground. The sunlight trickles  in, and you are relieved, glad even, you're no longer in the dark. You are no longer in limbo.

I am no longer in limbo. My questions have been answered and my worst fears have been confirmed. God, I'm scared as hell at the prospect of starting all over again, but at least I am no longer in limbo. I can finally move on.

Yes, I fucked up. I had been given the chance to make something beautiful and I.Fucked.Up. But I tried to make things right. And I loved Colin. I love him still, even if he's such an ass. It is from this, in knowing I chose to love fully and without the slightest hesitation, that I find my peace.